There are times in our life when things are going so great. So great you start to wonder what will be that one ‘thing’ that stops you dead in your tracks and has a humbling power over you. Then, there are other times when life is hard. So hard, you start to wonder when you’re going to a break … that one ‘thing’ that will break the stress and allow you to live fully, and happily again. Lately, our lives have seemed a little like the latter. Things have been a bit stressful. As we transition our lives from here to there and from then to now, things seem overwhelming. But then … that ‘thing’ happened that made us realize that no matter how hard our life seems right now, it could always be worse.
We got a call on Friday that my sister-in-law was found dead and it appeared to be a suicide. Oh course, my first reaction was overwhelming sadness. I was sad for her that she saw death as the only escape from the demons that have been haunting her. My second thought was for my brother & niece. Brian & Barb have been struggling for years with her addiction problems. She’s been in and out of rehab a few times, and whenever we saw her, it seemed as though things were looking up. Together, they have a beautiful 6-year-old daughter who is their world. She’s vivacious and a little bit sassy. After being clean for quite a while, we heard the news she was using again. Brian once again took on the role of his wife’s supporter. Doing everything he could to get her help without pushing her away.
No one knows why she did it. No one knows if she had been contemplating this for a long time and finally gave in. No one knows if she was out of her mind on drugs & it just happened.
All I know is that Brian & their daughter have to live with this. I feel so incredibly sad that they will be left with the memory of these last harrowing months. I am sad that Hailey won’t have her mom as she gets older. I am sad that Brian is being bombarded with guilt after he did everything he knew how to do. I am sad thinking of Barb … I can’t imagine what must be going through someones head & heart when they decide that taking their life is the only way anything will be better.
This all leads me to realize that no matter how bad anything has ever been in my life, I’ve never once thought about killing myself. Not even an inkling of the thought. So, it just weighs heavy on me knowing someone was so tortured that it made sense for them. I struggle to find the words or organize my thoughts to fully comprehend everything that’s happened.
I think in the end, we have to use this as a lesson. No matter how stressful this upcoming move has been on our lives … we still have each other. We still have our health & our love. We’re still 100% the people we were back in 2005 when we met. Sure, we’ve grown together to form this new life, but we’re still us. Life is hard, but I have faith that everything truly does happen for a reason. We just have to remember to breathe.